We are grown now, and the legacy we pass to our children and our grandchildren has been influenced by Mom. She shared so much wisdom and insight that I’ve passed on not only to my own children, but also to my students.
No one can think of Mom without thinking of hugs. When we were younger, every time we’d fight, Mom always made us end with a hug. You can imagine that in the heat of battle, when Mom said it was time to make up, giving a sibling a hug was about the last thing we wanted to do. Mom almost never got angry, but just kept prodding until, before we knew it, everyone was laughing and we could hardly remember what we’d been fighting about in the first place.
Car rides were always fun. We thought she had us take turns choosing songs just so we could sing together, because she enjoyed singing. It was not until we were older that we realized it was to keep us from fighting. This is not only a fond memory for her children but her grandchildren as well. They still talk about singing together in the Birpee Bird (the old Sanctuary van).
Mom used to say that no matter how angry you got at your brother or your sister, it was important, in the end, to remember that you love them. She always assured us that “Your family will always be there for you.” Now that I’m an adult, I’m always surprised when I talk to someone who tells me that they haven’t spoken to a sister, or to a brother, in years. Mom was definitely the glue that held us together, even with all of our different personalities. Now that she’s gone, I know that the family bond that she created will continue to give us the strength to know we will always be there for each other.
We’ve had our share of family secrets, and made our share of mistakes. But, through the years we have learned the importance of talking. Communication was important to Mom. I’ve known people who have held things inside for so long… I’ve certainly held my share as well. However, Mom used to say “You know, people can’t read your mind.” In other words, don’t be angry at your kids for not putting their dishes in the dishwasher, if you never told them that’s what you expect…. Or, don’t be angry if your husband doesn’t come home from work and, first thing, give you a hug and a kiss, if you never told him that’s what you’d like.
As much as we loved our conversations with mom, to find out what everyone was up to… we kids, and later the grandkids, learned that it was a good idea to check with another brother or sister to see if the story had been embellished, because Mom could get so excited about things she would make them sound so much better than they really were. For instance… a new boyfriend became a fiance… a job application became a career… a college acceptance letter became a full ride scholarship.
Mom always believed there was good in everyone. She was convinced that if someone behaved badly there was a reason behind it. Every time I want to be angry at someone, I can hear Mom’s voice, in the back of my head, saying “Let’s think about why he might have done that” or “what could have caused her to react so strongly?” Mom was this way until the end, always lending an ear to someone who needed to talk, trying to fix their problems or cure their ills. In those few instances when someone might start to take advantage of her generosity or naivety, Mom never stopped believing that, in the end, they would do the right thing. It was a running joke that maybe she raised us wrong, because we weren’t cut out for how deceiving some people can be. But, whenever Mom said this, I always told her that when I look in the mirror, I like who I am. And, if I can be as optimistic and caring, for as long as she was, I’ll feel privileged to be in good company.
Mom talked to EVERYONE. When we were younger, it could be pretty embarrassing when she started a conversation in the grocery store line. If she accompanied someone to a doctor’s appointment, she would inevitably begin talking to whomever was seated nearby. By the time she walked out the door, she almost always ended up knowing their life story and, if needed, would give them a hug before she left. People opened up to Mom. Probably because she was such a good listener. Also, there wasn’t any subject she wouldn’t discuss. Some people just needed to talk, and Mom was never a judgemental listener.
Though Mom has physically left this world, she is not really gone. So much of her remains within us. Whenever we treat others the way we want to be treated, make a comment to brighten the day, sing a little song that fits the moment, lend an ear to someone who needs to talk, or freely share a warm hug, we continue to keep her spirit alive.
We are all truly blessed to say she was a part of our lives. She helped so many of us to become who we are. As long as we continue her mission here on earth, she can smile upon us knowing she truly made a difference.